As a nurse practitioner in a Pediatrics practice I see lots of kids every day. While many children are brought in by their parents for the sick visits that are a normal part of growing up, invariably these visits touch on the child's life in school and at home. The sad fact is that many children I see daily are growing up in homes that are unable to prepare them adequately to become competent, well adjusted, law abiding adults. Many parents are ill equipped or unmotivated to raise kids properly. Certainly this does not include all parents or all kids. Many are doing just fine. Unfortunately, there such a growing number of at risk kids produced by a growing number of dysfunctional and broken families that I fear for the future. I won't pretend that I have all the answers either, but I have been around long enough to pass on a few things that I strongly believe will help parents raise good kids in a bad world.
The question we must all ask nowadays is: Who is raising the children? Is it the TV, the movies, pop culture, the daycare provider, their friends or is it the kids themselves? If we look for barometers of crisis, I believe they are everywhere; runaways, suicides, kids committing murder, delinquency, teenage pregnancy, epidemic numbers of sexually transmitted diseases. Parents are frequently so preoccupied with careers, themselves and acquiring stuff that they have precious little time left over to devote to what should be their primary responsibility, raising their kids. Parents are also too inclined to separate at the first sign of trouble in their marriage rather than work things out to preserve it. Kids need both parents. When parents divorce, kids need to know that both parents can at least respect each other and work together. The red flags are quite obvious to anyone who takes the time to bother looking at what is happening around them.
When I talk to other parents, they often blame society, the Church and the schools for the mess we find ourselves in. Parents rarely think that the problem may emanate in the home. Speaking as a parent, there is no doubt in my mind of the tremendous influence that parents exercise over their children. The Church or school can do nothing unless they have parents who teach kids the really important things they need to know in their home. I am not talking about teaching kids how to read, I am talking about giving kids the "inner braces" to face life outside the home. Giving kids faith in a loving God who will walk with them in life, strengthen and heal them, guide them, give them meaning and peace and lead them to life eternal. As an Orthodox Christian, I believe that it is parents who have the sacred, God given privilege and responsibility to prepare their children within the Church to accept the grace of God.
The Orthodox Church embraces the child from day one. When the child is baptized, he is immersed three times in water and is reborn, "putting on Christ." From that moment on children must be taught to live their faith not only in Church, but more importantly at home. Often parents wait until their children are teenagers to get them involved in matters of faith. Unfortunately by this time it is too late, if not impossible. Children need examples to follow and they need parents to show them the way. What the child does at church, he does at home. Simple things like praying before the family icons, saying grace at meals and crossing themselves, fasting and so many other traditions of our Orthodox faith.
Parents need to turn the TV off. Its violent images and depiction and glorification of consumerism and a bankrupt pop culture can only be a negative influence, especially on young minds. Video games serve a similar purpose. Children who spend hours on such pursuits never learn a very important part of childhood, how to interact and play with their peers. Get your children involved in after school activities: scouting, sports, music, art, Sunday school.. These activities help them to learn and to socialize in a healthy way. Most importantly they offer some protection against substance abuse and delinquent behavior. Families need to spend time together, ideally they should set aside one day a week as a special Family Day at home where they spend time talking, playing games and praying together.
It is essential that parents create a "faith atmosphere" at home so that God becomes real in the lives of their children and they can develop a relationship with him. What the family does at home, something as basic as grace during meals, has a lifelong impact. Parents should set a time at the end of the day for prayer as a family that includes a reading from scripture or bible story or parable for younger children. At the end of this prayer, either Mom or Dad should bless their children by crossing them and saying: "May the spirit of God, the Father, Son and Holy Spirit be with John/Jane now and forever. Then kiss them good night.
Talk to your kids about the Saints, the heroes of our Church. They are the true role models for them, ordinary people who live trule extraordinary lives. Common folks who fought the same battles that we do in our everyday lives, yet emerged victorious in God's eyes. Emphasize acts of service to others. Kids need to understand that its not all about them and there are disadvantaged people in the world that we need to care about. Just as important is to teach our children to be stewards of our Church. Stewardship is much more than putting a buck in the tray at the end of the liturgy. It is working and serving in the many capacities that we are afforded to help our communities and churches in a meaningful way by giving of ourselves.
Parents need to understand their role is that of parent and not friend. That means that sometimes parents are unpopular. Don't be afraid to SUPERVISE your children or to say No. Know who their friends are, what they're doing and where they go. Establish standards for your kids in the way they dress, interact with others and how they treat others. Consistently enforce those standards but don't nit pick constantly. Pick three behaviors that drive you up a wall and use the power of positive and negative reinforcement to get them to change those behaviors. Don't forget to praise kids when they do well, to admonish them gently when they fall short, but always send them away feeling good about themselves.
Teenagers are especially difficult to deal with. Try not to lose your cool. They are going through a tough time. They are part adult and part child, striving to be more independent. Be approachable. Your teenager should not be afraid to talk to you about really important things. Probably the best advice I ever got was that teenagers are like young ponies, sometimes you have to know when to pull the reins back and sometimes you need to know when to loosen them.
Finally, don't get discouraged. Kids are resilient; all of us make mistakes as parents and that doesn't mean that our children will be emotionally scarred for the rest of their lives. The key thing is to learn from our mistakes, love our kids and put God in their lives. For more information read: "Making God Real in the Orthodox Christian Home" by Anthony M. Coniaris.
May our efforts as parents be blessed.
Wonderful advice Stavros. I second the recommendation on Fr. Coniaris' book, very practical and applicable advice for Orthodox Christian Parents.
Posted by: George | 23 June 2006 at 09:51 AM
Steve, Maine is well recognized to be one of the "least churched" states in the US. I lived next door to a "missionary" sent to Maine to start a church. What you see in the lives of the kids in your practice is what happens to children without any solid foundation. Moving back to the Midwest has shown me what a difference that foundation makes in the lives of young people. There's a lot of media complaining about the fundamentalist Christians here in the Midwest , but I have yet to have one parent come in asking that their 13 year old daughter be on birth control "just in case." These kids finish school, go to college, wait to have children because they've been given a moral foundation based on a truth larger than themselves. In Maine, a lot of parents either weren't given that foundation themselves or they don't want to teach values to their children because they need to find their "own way". When a child believes in nothing, she will fall for anything....
Posted by: drmom | 24 June 2006 at 10:29 PM
Megan,
Went to a child psychiatry conference at University of Vermont recently. They were talking about all the things that immunize a child against substance abuse, deliquency, etc. Unfortunately, they did not mention religious education and spirituality. Religion in America is increasingly seen as unimportant and people of faith characterized as fundamentalist "wackos." There is an ongoing attack on the very foundations of the Christian religion. At the same time I think there is a real hunger out there for what many of us have already found in our religious faith. Let's pray that more people will find it and pass it to their children.
Posted by: Stavros | 25 June 2006 at 05:37 PM
You say "The Orthodox Church embraces the child from day one."
What about the notion of original sin?
As someone raised Greek Orthodox, I never understood that logic.
It's cynical, I admit, but I tend to think of it as a way of subjugating people their entire lives.
Posted by: GreekAmericanNYC | 06 August 2006 at 06:24 PM
GreekAmNYC,
I don't want to come across as someone who has all the answers. I'll try my best however, to give you my take on the matter, based on what I've learned. The original sin was Adam and Eve turning away from God and making the "world" an end in itself. By alienating himself from God, man has alienated himself from his fellow man and from the world in which he lives. He has become self-centered and sees other people as objects. We see the result of man's preoccupations everyday. Read the paper. God did not give up on us even though mankind turned its back on him. He sent his Son so that "all be saved and come unto the knowledge of truth" (1 Timothy 2:4). Through baptism we "put on" Christ and we are raised from the water, purified from sin, to live a new life united with Christ. It doesn't end there. God gave us free will. His Church can be our spiritual home or we can walk away from God just like Adam and Eve did. Its a decision we all have to make but it's not irrevocable.
If you want more information about what exactly we Orthodox believe, I recommend: "The Faith, Understanding Orthodox Christianity by Clark Carlton http://www.light-n-life.com/shopping/order_product.asp?ProductNum=FAIT142
Posted by: Stavros | 06 August 2006 at 08:47 PM
Excellent and clearly communicated advice to parents... I particular like the focus on consistency - not just of enforcing rules, but of basic vaules that underpin the rules.
I would add some emphasis on the strikingly enormous influence parents have (or the TV and others have, if parents abdicate their role). A. Bandura did some excellent research years ago demonstrating how much of our learned behavior is really set in motion by observing those we are exposed to the most.
If we smoke, our kids will likely smoke. If we are abusive, our kids have a good chance of becoming so.
If we show patience and grace (or at least make very visible effort), our kids just might do so. And if we eat dinner together, go to church together, and develop rituals and traditions together, our children will almost certainly retain great memories, and also devote themselves to providing similar things to their children. I was NOT raised in a conservative home. Quite the opposite. It is thanks to my wife Mary that I am on a moral path at all. I am seeing the fruits of all these ideas just now (and have already seen them in Steve's children, who always amaze me).
In addition, your comment about too much time devoted to careers is one that too many readers might shrug off.
One thing I know from research is that daycare is correlated with behavior problems and damage to children's development of a conscience. The cause of this is unclear, but it is safe to assume that being thrown into a 'dog eat dog' world is a contributing variable. As a children's counselor, I have met many children who dread daycare each day. I have NEVER met one who wished their stay at home mom would go to work so they could all have a bigger house or more expensive car.
As Steve says - time together, church, and living the values you preach - these will give kids the best shot at following a good path.
Posted by: Rich Larson | 15 August 2006 at 09:03 PM